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| OMG.. what the fuck is xanga doing?! it took me like 10 minutes trying to find the "add new entry" link from the updated home page thing. lame.
i haven't been here in like 2 months, that's weird.
okay. so i have officially switched to being a psych major.
i don't really know what i'm gonna do with that, but it makes me happy and excited for school and my classes again.
yeah i think i mentioned that i've taken a new interest in women's studies and feminism..
it's interesting but it's kind of exhausting.
i don't really want to be a radical feminist activist. i feel like if i keep at this, one day i'm going to be 35 and looking back on my sad life and how radical i was in my 20's and how it was so pointless because i'm still oppressed and be like "oh my idealistic youth!! i should have just found a rich husband to marry!"
.....
i don't know, i'm always looking for an outlet or a way to just make
myself happy and active but everything just loses it's novelty. i like
sewing and doing crafts but everytime i do it, i just feel like a
housewife on crack or something. & deep down, i always feel guilty
for doing stuff like that because it seems so silly and trivial. but
then again everyone says we're supposed to imagine shit and make it
real, but... yeah, no!
ok, so maybe i just like sabotaging myself but whatever.
i just wish i could just quit this elaborate facade i have. shopping for new clothes, getting ready, make-up, doing my hair, monitoring my weight obsessively. when i wear my big plain white shirt and jeans, eye-glasses and no make-up, i just feel the most comfortable. i didn't say the most pretty or cutest or hottest.. just the most comfortable, like with how i feel about myself. because i feel like i don't have to validate myself within the rules of the girl world, and also i feel like i am carrying the secret that i could look cute if i wanted to.
another thing.. i have been questioning myself and how i handle my emotions..
so people say i am soo emotional and shit, & wear my heart on my sleeve, dramatic reactions/expressions.. whatever. and i'd always think, "yeah i'm glad i'm that way"... BUT.. i'm starting to think it might be a weakness..? is it? am i giving people power over how i feel and who i am because i react to them so intensely? why should i monitor/neutralize my reactions/emotions when life is so much more enjoyable when i don't? i kind of like being impulsive, angry, happy, indecisive, changing. i don't know, but i'll come up with something in the future..
lemme tell you something xanga..
aside from all this mental drama,
i seem to be..
so happy with renny..
he charms me so much. it used to piss me off that he would always neutralize my personality with his calmness, the way he always gives in to me, the way he doesn't ever let his emotions carry him away, but i guess it has turned into something that i appreciate. i don't know though.. i still have doubts, i guess. i think i like being destructive and selfish.
k til next time xanga..
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i've never been stung by a bee!
it seems like something intimate that a poem could be written about or something.
anyways..
today i caught a glimpse of the artistry and theatrical nature of make-up..
i can't really tell whether i like it yet, but it felt a little weird.
yeah, i've been introduced to the world of feminism thanks to women's studies. i think i've always secretly been a bit of a feminist, but how to deal with it?!
ugh, i really wanna write more but i just realized i have to be off for my first mid-term of the quarter. 
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| ah, xanga.. i miss you but i'm way too busy. | | |
| oh saints. there's been sooooo much on my mind, xangy.
there's so much going on with me but i still feel like i'm stagnating.
school is insane. i'm taking 20 units for the first time in my life and it's pretty much a bitch. well, specifically chemistry.
work is just.. um what you would expect from del taco. i am already sick of it. BUT there's some (kinda) interesting people that come in.. the old man who looks homeless and always looks scary and serious and intimidating smiled at me today when i accidentally picked up his receipt and i was really surprised that something that simple and dumb was all it took to make him smile. everytime he comes in i make up his life philosophy. in my imagination he's like don't gimme none of that cheeriness little girl, i just want my fucking coffee. i've seen too much in my life, you don't even know. i'm cynical because the world has worn on me. hell yeah i don't work, i'm a renegade, i carry my backpack around irvine. i make my own way. and then i go to del taco hahahahah oh my god.
okok, so if i learned anything from del taco besides their extensive, cheap and delicious menu, it's that people in general are soooo nice. even the ones that start out seeming really cranky give these smiles, or say thank you and it makes me kinda happy and really surprises me. i guess people really love it when they get their food.
well ok, i guess now that i think about it, work isn't that bad. my bosses still freak me out, but i like interacting with 320948 people for 30 seconds at a time, haha honestly i do. my co-workers entertain me too. one of the cooks is kind of crazy. he always just talks in spanish and sings like "AYE YAYAY" and does girl voices and makes up mexican conversations to himself that i don't understand and it's really really cute and weird and entertains me.
ok, whatevs.
i think i have a talent of tricking myself into liking shit.
so the main reason i feel like i'm stagnating is because of this whole school bullshit.
i hate school. ok no i don't, but i hate chemistry. chemistry makes me want to give up on everything. i don't want to be a nurse. i realized what my perfect major would be: psych. and minor in studio art or something. why can't i?!?!?!?!?!?! well because i'm following my mother's wishes. everyone keeps saying i should just do what I want to do. but i kind of don't want to. i guess i did sell my soul to my salary, but nursing just seems like the guaranteed road. but at the same time, i might as well just get my degree at a community college. i feel like if i'm at a university, i should take advantage of the opportunities, like taking a range of classes, doing research, whatever.. but i dunno. i feel like nursing is boxing me in. this is so stupid.
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| yesterday, September 26, 2007, 4-10pm - I lost my work virginity.
Del-Fucking-Taco.
So I come in and pedro, my boss man, gets me all set up, puts me in the computer and shit. tricks me to sign a paper so i don't get the stupid $100 bonus. ok whatevs. i make $8.00 an hour.
he gets me the ugliest hugest yellowest shirt which has a giant crinkly french fry on the back. i get my hideous red hat and tuck all my hair into it turning me into some tiny little asian boy with a shirt 4 sizes too big. i mean come on, i obviously signed up to work at del taco for the snazzy uniform, the least they could do was give me a shirt that fits.
then he warns me about how hot the machines are. something like 350 degrees or something. ok, note to self: be really really careful. then he shows me the cups and milk and shit that they keep in the back. then he shows me how to work the cash register. that's the part i'm most excited about. i get overwhelemed but then 10 minutes later i kind of understand how it works. all the worker people are buzzing around, it's really fast-paced. he leaves me to play with the machine which i don't really want to do because i don't want to confuse the cooks and have them make orders. that happened like 3 times when he was showing me how to work the machine.
pedro tells me the magic words are please and thank you. ALWAYS say please and thank you. it's courteous blah blah blah oh and the inspector/secret shopper people come. he also told me to pawn off as much upgrades as i can. "would you like a drink with that?" or "would you like to make that a meal?" etc.
i think i'm like physically disabled in that i can't ever understand what anyone freakin says. pedro tells me stuff and i seriously have to ask him what he said 0983 times. so i'm like ok, note to self: listen really really really hard. in addition to being hard of hearing/understanding, i take things extremely literally and get so confused when people word things all weird. like one worker man was like "are you boring?" my thought process: omg is he tricking me to say yes and admit i'm boring?! does he just have really bad english grammar?! so i reply "....no, i'm ok." no seriously, is it just me that's like that or what?! i started fantasizing that i might show up to work with hearing aids.
so then i get to take my first order and i did ok.
then my second order, then third, then 989037272892878.
but del taco comes up with the stupidest most obscure names for all their burritos/tacos/whatevers. i have to figure out the quirks of the names and the meals. like veggie works. a nice old lady orders the veggie works and i'm like "uh oh... what the fuck is that". it's a burrito.
my biggest problem is forgetting to hand out drinks to people who order meals. thankfully they always remind me.
i think it's cute when people order things plain. like a plain ass hamburger. it's endearing. this gigantous man ordered a hamburger, no onions, no pickles, no nothing, and secretly i was like "hee hee hee"
i think it's weird when people ask "could i have...."
it always makes me think "no shit u could have it, you're paying for it!! you don't have to ask me, shit."
o.m.g. i hate it when people order and then change things. haha the damn thing is i always do that too. it confuses me though, damnit.
the young asian girls are the ones that change their order, ask all these questions about this and that and i realized "damn that's just how i am too"
so yeah basically i was taking orders the best i could. then i notice everyones running around bagging orders, so i try to help out with that too. ok. honestly, i fuckin hate doing that. all the fucking burritos look the same. how in the hell do they tell those stupid ass burritos apart?! so yeah i felt like i was just messing up everyone's flow, but whatevs, i guess it just takes some time and taco experience to know that shit.
renny and john came in, but i was out taking a break. hahahah, i was working straight for like 3 hours and when they finally decide to come in, i'm outside taking a break like a slacker. but it was nice to see them. i just stared at them longingly, they were eating their food and talking and having a nice time.
when things lull down, everyone gets extremely antsy. it's weird. they all tap their fingers or toes or start filling the dispensers. then, and only after they do all that, they joke around with each other. i wish i knew spanish.
by the last hour more people start coming in. college kids getting a late dinner together. my head is fucking pounding because i hadn't eaten the whole day, but i'm surprised that i can still be cheery. i think people get surprised when i stare at them straight in the eyes for like 20 minutes and lean forward (only because i can't ever hear what their fuckin sayin), looking excited to take their order. because yeah i kinda am excited to take their order.
finally, it's time to goooooooooo. i offer to stay, but it seems like they didn't really care so i freakin bailed.
repeat process again today.
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